New Lara Shots

There are shots of Lara Croft model Alison Carroll at the T3 website. Click here if you want to take a look at them. Although pretty, she still isn't my favorite Lara. Check the photo. Why is she holding a gun why talking on the phone? Like that would happen. Who is going to shoot? The Fed Ex guy?

My problem with her is she can't even hold a gun right. She holds it like an eight year old girl with a bratz doll. I would go out with her just to teach her to grip the gun like you mean it. To be fair she does look more comfortable in the shots, but I still don't buy it. Maybe if she was naked...actually never mind.

There was an episode some weeks back where a reporter asked her some archeology questions, and she didn't know the answers. The interview was quickly halted by an aide and she left. Now this reporter, who probably takes two hours to watch CBS's "60 Minutes",  is stupid. Because to even think she might be able to answer any questions on archeology you don't need to be a genius to say "I don't think so." I am not saying she is not able to answer, but what has it got to do with the game?

He should have asked her questions about the game and like will she play it?  More importantly what is her Gamertag?  I would then send a chat invite then tell her on how to hold a gun properly. 

Dreamcast 10 Years Old

Would you believe that the Dreamcast is ten years old today? For those wondering WTF is a Dreamcast, it was Sega's last console and it crashed and burned well before it's peak. The Playstation 2 stabbed it in the back and front just two years after release. 

I remember going over to a friend's house all those years ago and seeing the Dreamcast. I was into PC gaming then, but waiting for the Playstation 2. Back then, the console wars was all about the hardware. It did look like a beast compared to the Playstation 1. It was fat with a built in modem and I remember the ad campaign was like "play six billion people" Slightly over estimated market sales projection, I think. My friend at the time thought it was "the sh*t" Yes, he had limited vocabulary.

Why did it fail miserably? It was crap. Well to be more specific, Sega didn't back online enough and there were very few games. They basically thought the console would sell itself. Sound familiar? Sony, Dreamcast could well be your Nemesis that you knifed all those years ago. As for my friend, I bet he still calls the Dreamcast "sh*t" , but without the adjective.

Sony Pulls A Fast One

How's your Netflix account? Queued up your movies nicely? Unfortunately "Ghandi" and "Open Season" have been pulled. Along with any other Columbia movie you queued, because Sony own Columbia and half of Hollywood, but someone forgot to tell Microsoft that. What is amusing is that the movies were pulled one day after the New Xbox Experience with Netflix was launched.

Did someone forgot to tell Sony and they quicky hasten with a few phone calls to make sure Microsoft don't get their grubby hands on their movies? Oh no, I am sure they knew all along. They just waited until the last day to stab the knife in. Good friends always stab you in the front remember? Now all Microsoft have to do is deny Sony Vaio laptops any Windows updates so they will be running on Windows 2000.

It's war out there in that playground kids. We will ever get Sony stroke Columbia movies? Of course you will. It's just that Sony want Microsoft to suffer a little bit. They still want to sell laptops and make money while you watch a movie. So I can't see them denying Microsoft that long. Well not until they have their own movie network running along nicely. Then they will need a Windows server to help them.

Gametrailer Staff Slams PS3

I suppose this is one way to get noticed by your boss while getting 14,000 views and 400 comments.  A staff member for huge video site, Gametrailers.com has weighed in his opinion and dissed the PS3 controller and it's game experiences as inferior. Read his blog entry here.

It must be noted that he is just a video editor and not a reviewer or writer for the site, so his opinion does not represent those of Gametrailers.com. So that basically puts him in a position to write almost whatever he likes. Bit like me as I can write whatever I like, it's my blog. "PS 3 sucks!" There. In reality that would be more productive if I wrote that on an actual Playstation 3 fanboy site or forum, but I am banned from most of them already. Major Nelson, Xbox Live director has barred me from his friend's list so I guess my opinion doesn't carry much weight anymore.

This video editor's "GTD", whatever that is, on the right of his blog entry, is  $1,514.  I want to know what this is? Will this skyrocket with his 14,000 views? If it does, then it seems like a very easy way to make money? Here's my next career move. Become a video editor for Gametrailers.com, as they can write presumably anything, and trash the Xbox 360. Major Nelson hates me already, so what have I got to lose?

Hold Bad Reviews.

If you write reviews, like I sometimes do for TheGamersCafe.net (plug), then it sucks with deadlines. What if you write a review and then told to hold off bad reviews until Monday? This is what Eidos have appealed to reviewers of Tomb Raider : Underworld. Read it here. What would I do? I would write a bad review on Monday morning, that way I would have the weekend off.

No self respecting reviewer would do this however as the ethics of being a reviewer or journalist would be undermined. We should never be told of how or "when" to write. If a game sucks then the public should be told as soon as possible to help them make an informed judgement on purchase. How they ever thought they would get away with this tactic, is beyond me. Reminds me of Lionhead boss, Peter Molyneux begging reviewers on hands and knees not publish anything below 8/10 for Fable II or they will never get an advanced disc again.

All these tactics scream desperation. It just serves to bring suspicion to the consumer when confronted with a purchase decision on the Friday. The temptation for a reviewer to write a bad review is even more great as to prove that they cannot be told when to write. In fact I could write one right now. " Tomb Raider : Underworld has got to be turd, even though I have yet to play it, because the developers are expecting bad reviews. The game smells like feet and ass" There, why wait till Monday?

7-Eleven Stores To Offer Games

7-Eleven stores are to offer games alongside your bottles of diet and fat coke. They will be available this holiday season along with pre-game cards and a variety of online services. This will be very convenient for those who just went in to pick up a donut and then come out with  Call of Duty : World at War.

The good news is that 7-Eleven will also promise to offer advanced reservations and midnight sales of new releases. No need to go downtown or the high street when you can go around the corner, eh? I used to live not far from a 7-Eleven a few years back. I would literally do all my shopping there and occasionally looked at the limited DVD rack.  There were times I would stumble in after a hard night out and buy a whole lot of crap DVD's while cradling a few hot dogs,  then wonder the next morning "what was I thinking? 7-Eleven hot dogs are so not healthy.

I can imagine myself doing this with games. Thankfully, I am now nowhere near a 7-Eleven anymore. Otherwise I would be at a midnight releases buying hot dogs, donuts, and nachos with my game and wonder why I spent double when Amazon give free delivery.

  

NXE Is Embrassing!

Did you know that you can delete zero game scores from your games list, using the New Xbox Experience? Thank God because that's the kind of feature I have been looking for. Zero game scores are faux pas. If your French is rusty, faux pas is like when you drop a beer on someones foot at a party. Embarrassing.

So you can eliminate embarrassing scores but you are stuck with an embrassing avatar. If you have looked at my gamercard on Xbox Live, you will notice something missing. I am still silhouetted. I refuse to be drawn into this charade, this doll dressing. I used to get beaten up at school for this, so the psychological scars are starting to re-emerge. Ask my therapist. Actually don't ask, because it is embarrassing.

This is what NXE is all together. Awkward and embarrassing. You fiddle around and feel like the school bully has found your Hannah Montana / Harry Potter coloring book when you select an avatar. You wonder why Microsoft bother and cringe at every selection. Click the right stick and it burps. Funny joke, if I was eight.

But you know what would make it really awesome? If we can use our avatars in casual games like Scene It, how about making them available in other games like Gears of War? To chainsaw each others avatar would completely vindicate my faith in the New Xbox Experience. It would be a whole "new experience" full stop.

New Xbox Experience Online Store.

Apart from deforming your avatar when the New Xbox Experience arrives , there will also be an online store. Microsoft believe you will buy from Microsoft simply because it is Microsoft, because they are charging $59.99 for a game but $6.99 for delivery! You might as well go to Amazon where you get free shipping?

The store will offer a wide selection of games and accessories, including offering the cutting edge Windows Vista for full retail price of $149 plus shipping. You wonder what bonehead decided that the online store should not to be competitive, but to charge extra. Yes, that will be popular as millions discover the New Xbox Experience, it will reinstate Microsoft's image that we look after our consumers. 

Hopefully this will be a stepping stone to a future online store that will offer games to download, because I cannot see many people paying extra for shipping when they can get it free. Why can't they at least give some introductory offers for us to browse the store? Oh I get it, because you cut the price of consoles, you are going to make it up on fleecing anyone sucker who visits the store. You also probably have an agreement that you cannnot compete with retail stores. Then why bother with it? It is just another pointless feature along with the music clips, photo sharing, online prime time game show thingy and some little Bratz-wannabe feature called avatars.

Xbox Live Mass Disconnections

Scary stuff. In the past 48 hours, Xbox Live has been experiencing mass disconnections. The issue was said to be resolved yesterday, but Xbox Live director Major Nelson, has just updated his blog and admitted that there are still ongoing problems. Just in time for the New Xbox Experience in a couple of days.

Microsoft's record has never been too crash hot when it comes to massive whale operations. Check Vista and in spring 2006 there was an Xbox 360 update that caused a few Xbox 360's to turn into bricks. Only just last year around christmas, there was mass connection meltdown for two days, due to the fact several people tried to log on at the same time on Boxing Day. I mean how rude is that?

Seeing that Microsoft want to reach a target of 100 million consoles sold, it is kind of confuzzling that they can't handle a mere 10 million subscribers. I love Xbox Live, it is a great service and much better than the Playstation or Wii live networks. But the difference is that we also pay for this service, so as consumers we have the right to ask WTF? 

So come November 19th, in a couple of days, hold tight onto that controller when you switch on. There will be a forced update and your screen will go black as it reboots. This will be the scariest seconds of your life, as your mind races as to what you are going to do if it stays black? Because if your screen remains black then the first words you will definitely mouth are "what the f**k?"

Zombies And Aliens

There are some things in video games that never change. Zombies and aliens. Until aliens actually visit us (and bring back Elvis) then they will always be OK to shoot. In today's politically correct environment, finding another modern contemporary enemy to shoot just becomes a diplomatic minefield to developers.  

Mutant humans are also available, but they tread on the thin ground of believability. In the 50's, radiation was the big unknown in Hollywood and if you wanted to create a human monster, just expose them to radiation. This has now given away to "genetically altered". But I find genetically altered humans turning into evil powerful monsters as bogus. Because if you change slightly anything genetically in a human, the most probable outcome is death. We can die if we take too much aspirin, so go figure.

Zombies are old school. They have been around centuries . Sure they can be cool to shoot, but they are generally regarded as slow and dumb. In the game Dead Rising, to make them a challenge, Capcom the developers just made save points were insanely hard to reach. I find Zombies hard to believe as well, because how can you shoot something dead that is already dead. Surely the spirit or voodoo that awoke them would just make them alive again if you shot them?  

So the two above enemies belong in the "yeah, right" bin.  Which leaves us with aliens. I love aliens. Because space is a huge unknown mother of a frontier, it leaves so much scope of in creating enemies. That is until they finally come down and visit us, then the whole gaming industry will be screwed. Why? Because every interpretation of an alien would seem politically incorrect or highly inaccurate. Can't play Gears of War, as aliens are portrayed as Locusts, which is a lie. Can't play Halo, because that is all a lie. Great, now what am I going to shoot?

Sony Keypad.

Take a look. Sony are launching a keypad and it looks like an evil twin to the Xbox 360 Chatpad. As with all Sony products, there is a delay but somehow I don't think there will be a queue for it. Unless you have huge long fingers.

Why do they not just stick it on the bottom? It's called practicality. This is why most mobile phones have keyboards at the bottom or cars have round steering wheels. Because it makes sense and as designers, you just have to deal with it. They seriously don't believe that we will be fooled into thinking, that they have found a new innovative way, by sticking it up the top, do they?

I wish I was there at the design meeting. "Seriously, it's fugly. We are not doing a homage to bulky 80's Atari 2600 computer peripherals. That memo was a joke you numb nuts." I wouldn't be surprised, if after a year they abandoned this design (like their Boomerang Controller) and stick it at the bottom. Then it will appear ten years later on a TV show "What Were They Thinking?"

Christmas Buying

If you need reminding, Christmas is almost here and so when it comes to games, there's always a bunch of titles we want under our tree. Since giving up on Santa a few years back, I have to charade my friends and family of what I don't want. That's right, what I don't want.

My mom, until very recently, has always bought me a short sleeve shirt with tartan tie. The last time I wore a short sleeve shirt and tarten tie, was when I was 11 at a Christmas party and I remember it well. Because it was the first time my mom bought this combination. Ever since then she has been taking the piss. For those people unfamiliar with this term, click here. 

As for my friends, they all know me too well that I am a gamer and so they figure that I have already got every title under the sun. So they all buy titles I wouldn't touch (although there's very few I wouldn't touch these days) like I am bound to get High School Musical 3 or My Horse & Me 2 this year. My friends are also taking the piss.

As for my girlfriend, she bought a Wii game last year. It was her ploy to get me to buy a Wii and then we can play "together" Needless to say it didn't work. I bought a ton of girlie stuff and she buys me Legend of Spyro on the Wii.  She just winked when I asked if she was taking the piss.

So this year, as with most years, it isn't just about sharing and spending quality time with family and friends celebrating Christmas, it is also about taking the piss. So what kind of gifts do I give out to my family and friends? What do you think? I also will be taking the piss.

Apple : iPhone is better than PSP or DS

Poop. Apple thinks the iPhone is far more superior for games than the Playstation Portable or Nintendo DS. I have played games on the iPhone and they are pants. Even when the most basic function of which it is primarily called, that is to make an actual phone call, sucks. You cannot hear anything and there are about three ringtones. So why are Apple promoting games?

Read the interview here. I do like the iPhone with it's ace 3-axis accelerometer (that is just a elaborate word for motion detection) but it is far from being a serious game console. Sure it has some very powerful computing power, however they are just gimmicks to gaming. It is a well known fact that Steve Jobs, head of Apple, doesn't play games. A computer nerd from the 80's that doesn't play games is like a Star Wars fan who only likes Return of the Jedi. A bit suspect.

What Steve Jobs should realize, that it is gaming (and it's nerds) is what pushed forward computing power. A lot of the high end specs for graphics and power were demanded by gamers and even today the most advanced  commercial models are designed for gamers. I don't think Apple would ever enter the console race, but if they are serious about games on the iPhone then they should really not compare it to the PSP or DS. Like some of the games I have seen on the iPhone look like they belong on the Sega Master system.

Apple have a very powerful rocket under it's iPhone which has a lot of potential to be competition to the PSP or DS, but they need to get decent games on there first. Maybe they should  talk to Microsoft? They are desperate for some help in their motion controller.

Sent from my iPhone.

Download The Ending

Gamers should download the ending of the game via DLC. Unless you bought the game at retail, then you would get it for free. This is an idea brought forward by Epic boss, Mike Capp to solve the tricky issue that developers get nada on second hand market. Read it here at videogaming247.

Go ahead Mike, try it out. I am sure it would be very popular with the masses. Some time back I went over this on a blog,  as some Halo developer wanted second-hand market action too. I can understand your position here guys, but the average gamer doesn't care. The fact we can re-sell a game very easily is very much in our minds when we purchase a game at full retail. If it sucks, at least we can sell it to some other loser or trade it in.

No one, and I mean no one is going to buy a game without a ending. They will be nicknamed "stupid copies", because you got to be a "stupid" to buy a game without an ending. Why don't you target the retailers instead of the end user? They are the ones making double profit on the same product. Let them pay a license fee to re-sell at a profit or something. 

What if I was a stone age emo hippy without internet? Man, would I be pissed because I didn't know about this (because I have got no internet) and my game is telling me the end boss fight is not available because you are a cheap hippy who bought it second hand at Gamestop. (I know this isn't logical, because a stone age hippy wouldn't have a energy guzzling Xbox, but bear with me) What happens to me then? Do I send away for a end boss fight disc? What if the developer went broke and the disc is no longer available , then I will never know the ending?

If developers actually did this, then they would sound too greedy and a lot of gamers would avoid buying a game simply because the re-sale value is toilet. "Stupid toilet copies" that's what they will be called.

Xbox Head Invents Avatars

Vice presidents. There is always seems a load of them in big corporations and Microsoft isn't any different. They normally speak what their PR departments fly in a memo, but Don Mattick, Senior Vice President to Microsofts Interactive Entertainment Business doesn't stick to those rules. He instead claims he invented avatars. Read it here at OXM

Now if the New Xbox Experience avatars fail miserably, as in like NO ONE uses them, I am sure Don Mattick would point out that it wasn't his idea. Yeah, sure. That when he invented them back 1991 for some 8 bit 1 Megabyte game, he didn't think that Nintendo would steal that kind of crap. Yeah, sure. That most of the people that work below him are fools and he can't get the staff these days. That is if they fail.

On the other hand, if everyone embraces them and they explode into a pop culture phenomena and an iconic representation of this decade i.e. Paris Hilton wears a Xbox Avatar T-shirt,  then Don would be claiming it was all his idea. And by the way he will point out that Xbox ball logo idea came about from some 8 bit 1 Megabyte game in 1991 he was doing. All I can say is God help us if these avatars become popular.

By the way, I know I have posted a picture of Wii Mii avatars, because there is not much difference.

Atari Pirates Watch Out

Atari have mistakenly targeted an old couple for software piracy. Check the story here at GamePolitics. With their obvious heavy handed storm trooper tactics, they actually neglected to knock on the door first.

The BBC reports that they were aged 54 and 66, and they never "had any computer game or sharing software " and may have been victims of unsecured wireless network theft. I still say shake them down. They say they do not own a wireless network and have no idea what "peer-to-peer" is? Then how did the pirates steal their IP address? This still has not been established, so I still say shake them down.

Let me guess, they own one computer and Nessie only used it for recipes. Did the authorities take away the hard drive, as you would think that would be the first step before launching a suit? Apparently they didn't and went by solely on the IP address. So take away the hard drive and then bomb them some quick fire questions I say. 

Do you own an Xbox 360?

What is your Gamertag?

Were you or were you not in the queue in the high street for Gears of War 2?

I know these are Xbox 360 questions, but you have to trick these kind of gangsters. They can be shady. Gaming piracy isn't isolated to some spotty nerds with a PC you know. I would keep a good eye on this couple and check their Gamertag regularly. Send them a friend request, then watch them like a hawk.

 

Gears of War Bust

I used to have this girlfriend who loved anything pink. Her apartment was full of fluffy toys and pillows, with even the bedsheets and sofa, were covered in pink. She had asked me to move in at one stage, but I just couldn't tempt myself. Had I still be with her now, I would have bought the most awesome thing for her apartment. This Gears of War Locust Drone Bust pictured above, would have sat totally sweet on that coffee table of hers.

To be honest, I think she would have cried if I bought this for her. Especially if she found out I spent $549 bucks on it. If you would like to "surprise" your partner with one, or even a Gears of War life-size Lancer, they are available at Triforce. Better still, I would have placed it on the coffee table without her knowledge, and let her stumble on to it late one night after coming home from work. Check out the teeth, it would have completely horrified her.

I doubt in the end if she would have moved it, as she couldn't say no to me (most girls can't), but I would have not let it stay there for long. Are you kidding me? If I had left it there, it is bound to get scratched!

Kingdom of Keflings.

Here it comes, as soon as you can download the New Xbox Experience, you will get a taste of what is like to own a Wii. There will be a title available to download on XBLA called A Kingdom of Keflings which you can import your avatars. You play a giant and you get villagers to build things.

If you wonder what it will be like, check the pic posted. You can invite your friends to help you order your Keflings about and chop wood, build a house, etc. Personally, I cannot wait to download this. I am being honest! This will completely enhance the New Xbox Experience, especially after I have spent hours creating the perfect avatar. Then I can enter this little kingdom and demolish the village into a pile of rubble and dust.

Is there an achievement for doing that? Who cares? I always wanted to be a giant since the age of five and now I can be with my avatar. If you can sweep aside any Keflings with your boot, then this game is the nuts. This will be an absolute perfect way to use your avatar for the first time, by using it to destroy an innocent village and becoming evil. So if you see the game up on my games list with still zero points after three hours, you know what I am up to.

Sony Patents a Wii Nunchuk

Sony have lodged a patent which looks suspiciously like a pair of Wii Nunchuks. Are they using the same low tactics as Microsoft? "Let's steal the idea, then patent it so it looks like we know what we are doing" Except this still looks like Sony are a dog chasing a ball and wondering where it has gone.

Admittedly, not everything lodge with the patent office becomes commercial product and if pressed, Sony would probably say "get lost, nothing to see here, go ask Microsoft how their Nunchuks are going because ours only goes 45 degrees." According to the diagram, the controllers are "using a hybrid video capture and ultrasonic tracking system" What? Sounds like Sony employed some one from the weapons division. If you can actually launch missiles from the controller, then I am interested.

If you look at the diagram, crudely drawn, the console looks mighty small for a PS 3. Maybe it should have been marked as PS 5, as that is probably the time when Sony get this "nunchuk" working. And what's wrong with "Player B"? If he has only one arm, then he is totally screwed if they are playing Mortal Combat 9. If I were you, I'd Blackberry my stockbroker and start selling those Sony shares.

Console Price Reduce A Mistake!

Nintendo president Satoru Iwata admits he doesn't like a price drop in consoles. He feels it de-values the console to what the intial buyer bought it for and telling any future customer to wait.

Typical Nintendo, they have returned to their arrogrant ways. Over a console lifetime, manufacturers are able to reduce costs and they normally pass it on to the consumer. But Satoru here thinks that is "a mistake" Talk about mugging yourself . He is just lucky that the Wii is still selling  truckloads otherwise there would be some angry shareholders ready to lynch him. Reminds me of the CEO David Shepard of a cheap suit manufacturer, Topman,  being overheard saying that their suits are only suitable for "first court appearances". Yes, he lost his job. 

I think Satoru Iwata forgets that some anaylsts have predicted that the Wii could be just another novelty item, as more than a third of consumers who have bought the console, don't play with it anymore. This is reflected in the amount of software titles being sold on the Wii. Not a lot. But didn't Nintendo dropped the price on the Gamecube because it sucked?

But what do I care. I am not going to buy a Wii, even if they drop the price, I wouldn't be swayed. I remember when they dropped the price on the Gamecube, but they didn't drop the price on that Bongo Controller I wanted. What is the point of getting a Gamecube without that controller to play Donkey Kong? Wake up and smell the coffee, Satoru.

Ellen Gives Out Xbox 360

This came to me via a link, honest. I don't loiter around her website. But recently Ellen Degeneres gave away an Xbox 360 to an entire audience. Makes you want go along now, huh? I am not going to post the video, but you can watch it here.

I am sure and almost positive, that the majority of her audience would have stuck them up on eBay the following morning. All that screaming would come crashing down when they realize they can only sell it for $140 bucks. Ellen is not stupid, she only gave out Arcade. She would have gone broke if she gave out PS 3's. Maybe Oprah will up the ante and give away PS3's next week. Better start writing for my ticket. Give out some sob story.

While you are at her website, read all the begging letters. I know how she feels. I sometimes get people who have got the Red Ring of Death asking me to get them a free Xbox 360. Some of them actually believe I work for Microsoft. Do they read my blogs? I almost trashing Microsoft daily, how can I work for them!? What reality do some of these people live in, I wonder. I guess I'll get my chance to meet them when I go to Oprah next week.

Elite Rip Off

What a week. In between the technical issues with my other website, I have had to employ some with a screwdriver to fix it, I  have had my THIRD Red Ring of Death on my Elite console. So I said gonads and went out and bought an Arcade Xbox 360 late at night at K-mart.

The girl behind the counter, helpful as she was, trying to sell me the package of free games, was miffed when I told her to skip the spiel, I am only interested in the console as mine just broke. "Gears of War is out next week and I am not going to wait the 10 -14 days for Microsoft to fix my Elite console which is still under the one year warranty,  so lets move on shall we?" I know she was only trying to do her job and she was trying hard not to laugh. She eventually broke and said "I am sorry, but I have to say, you have got it bad" This always happens. Some girl always tries to pick me up whenever I buy something. Drives me insane.

But what do I find at the back of my Arcade? A HDMI socket. Motherf******. How long has that been there? I purposely bought an Elite for two reasons. That little socket and supposedly no Red Rings. Well that's just fine. Microsoft sneakily put that in on ALL consoles and I still get Red Ringed. So apart from the size of the hard drive (which comes now in 60GB) the only difference is the color! Black. Microsoft, you know that's just great. Now I have to drive all the way back to K-mart and get a tin of paint.